Firewood Processor Forum

Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter

2. Log off - Don't add no more wood

3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove

4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck

5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood

6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood

7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter

8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter

9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside

10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season

11. Byte - What the black flies do

12. Bit - What the black flies did

13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season

14. Chip - Munchies for TV

15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips

16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway

17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife

18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off

19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds

20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery

21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box

22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully

23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes

24. Web - What a spider makes

25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling

26. Cursor - Someone who swears

27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies

28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp

29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods

30. Upgrade - Steep hill

31. Server - waitress

32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine

33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered

34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it

35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff

6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch

37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet

38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair

39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network

40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week

41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week

Buying Houses

I have a friend in Maine who lives out in the country in a house he and his wife built. One day he was talking to his nephew and the following conversation ensued.

"Uncle, do people buy houses?"

"Yes."

"How do they get them home?"

Dumb Maine Laws

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
You may not step out of a plane in flight.
Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.
Augusta

To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.
Portland

Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.